U2 can B sh1t

Every generation gets to change the world

sings Bono in a new advertisement.

Is the U2 singer leading a new campaign to feed the hungry and clothe the naked? Will he lead us into a world without the scourge of war? Can Bono take us into this new, golden age?

No. He’s trying to sell us a BlackBerry.

Worse than the cynical move from providing politicians at international fora credibility and cool to pushing mobile email in the same messianic terms is the sheer God-awfulness of the saccharine-sweet lyrics and their total detachment from anyone’s reality.

The song in question is ‘I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight’ by U2 and I think it is a subliminal attempt to make people buy BlackBerries hiding a subliminal attempt to make people convert to Bonoism.

The advert is here; below follows the video.

She’s a rainbow and she loves the simple life

What does that even mean? Who is ‘she’? She doesn’t appear again in the song and, as a lover of the simple life, is unlikely to be using a BlackBerry unless this is a reference to Paris Hilton’s TV show.

Knows I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight

I presume this to mean that unless outrage is shown at something now, it will result in insanity later.

There’s a part of me in chaos that’s quiet
And there’s part of you that makes me want to riot

So, you’re standing in this really loud party and being able to send an email on your BlackBerry makes you have a serene moment, so long as the email is to your friend, criticising them for not having fully accepted Bono into their hearts.

Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit

No, they don’t. Perhaps everyone does need to cry, although that’s debatable. Spitting is a disgusting habit, is not an alternative to crying and is certainly not needed. Just because Mr Bono is a rock star doesn’t mean he has to have bad manners. Oh, wait, crying about the people who haven’t bought BlackBerries/converted to Bonoism and spitting at those evildoers who oppose BlackBerries/Bonoism and just aren’t committed enough.

Every sweet tooth needs a little hit

Is this some obscure drugs reference, or just a rubbish line for the sake of a rhyme?

Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot

Allow me to be the first to say double-you tee eff?

How can you stand next to the truth and not see it?
Change of heart comes slow
It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain

Well, presumably because we are emotionally and publicly invested in an alternative and so it takes a while to change. Any chance of an indication of which truth, or has Mr Bono discovered The Truth?

As you start the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubting?
We’re gonna make it all the way to the light

Who does this guy think he is, Jesus? Climb up to the light! Come to the light! Is the light Bono or a BlackBerry?

But I know I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight

What does that even mean? Is Bono so wracked by the injustice of the world that unless he sends a very strongly worded letter to the chair of UN subcommittee three, he’ll give a really mean press conference? Join Bono!

Every generation gets to change the world

No, it doesn’t. The word ‘gets’ implies ability or right; we are bound to fortune’s vagaries and cannot claim a right to the whole world unless we can at least tell people what we’re doing. Which, presumably, is where the BlackBerry comes in. It lets people find out about this generation’s Special Calling.

Divination that will listen to your boys and girls
Is the sweetest melody the one we haven’t heard?
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear?

More messianic shite. Follow Mr Bono and all will be well – we haven’t tried his way yet! Love him perfectly and you’ll never be afraid again! I wonder if he knows that divination means guesswork and has nothing to do with divine. Seriously, ‘perfect love drives out all fear’? That could be Beatrice in Paradiso.

The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear

No shit.

Change of heart comes slow
It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain

So this is why Bono doesn’t rule the world – he hasn’t changed everyone’s hearts! If only everyone understood that people starving to death was a bad thing – and I mean really understand, in their fucking hearts, man – then no-one would starve any more!

As you start the climb

You just need to be more committed.

You see me I’ve been shouting

Because Bono is really bloody committed

We’re gonna make it all the way to the light

Bono can save you if you buy a BlackBerry!

But I know I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight
Baby, baby, baby, I know I’m not alone.
Baby, baby, baby, I know I’m not alone.
It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain

So you keep saying. Those lyrics are worthy of the worst kind of here-today, gone-tomorrow, synthetic pop band.

You see me I’ve been shouting

Yes! You should feel guilty for not being as committed as Bono!

Let’s shout until the darkness, squeeze out sparks of light

Not committed to anything – just committed in general. Yeah. Oh, and buy a BlackBerry.

You know we’ll go crazy if we don’t go crazy tonight

Fuck off.

Bono and the rest of U2 used the credibility they built up with albums like The Joshua Tree and War to be able to flog a series of fairly pedestrian songs while turning up at summits to chivvy people along. Using this rubbish piece of messianic Panglossianism¹ dressed up as a meaningful message to flog phones should stop them doing either. I doubt it will, so I’ve bought some more green ink.

xD.

1 – If Bono really wants to change the world, he could start by paying tax at home.

PS – I have nothing against BlackBerry. It’s a really useful technology that helped push pervasive web along.